The Areas of My Expertise by John Hodgman

By John Hodgman

Scorching at the heels of the number 1 bestsellers The Onion's Our Dumb Century and Jon Stewart's the United States comes The parts of My Expertise, the bright and uproarious #15 bestseller (i.e., a runaway phenomenon in its personal right-no, seriously)-a lavish compendium of convenient reference tables, interesting minutiae, and sage wisdom-all of it thoroughly unresearched, thoroughly undocumented and (presumably) thoroughly unfaithful, fabricated by means of the illuminating, prodigious mind's eye of John Hodgman, certifiable genius.

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The Areas of My Expertise

Scorching at the heels of the number one bestsellers The Onion's Our Dumb Century and Jon Stewart's the USA comes The components of My services, the bright and uproarious #15 bestseller (i. e. , a runaway phenomenon in its personal right-no, seriously)-a lavish compendium of convenient reference tables, interesting trivialities, and sage wisdom-all of it thoroughly unresearched, thoroughly undocumented and (presumably) thoroughly unfaithful, fabricated by means of the illuminating, prodigious mind's eye of John Hodgman, certifiable genius.

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It will take exactly one half hour for it to oscillate between the two hyperfine levels of its ground state 16,546,737,186,000 times. Most car dashboards now come equipped with a cesium-133 atom for just this purpose. — A certified speed-reader will be able to read this entire book in exactly an hour. Certified speed-readers may be contracted in the county clerk’s office. — Using only the stones and twigs around you, it will take you exactly 120 minutes to construct a working sundial. m. Needless to say: too late.

The agave or “century” plant will live for 100 years. Caution: At year 100, it will come alive and devour the person closest to it. 54 Tip $1-3 per day for room cleaning, turn-down service. Tip $10-20 per day for aiding with social/business itinerary. Gratuity added on bill, add 5% for exemplary service. Tip $5 per lullaby. I cannot stress this enough: each lullaby deserves its own gratuity. Add $2 if the lullabulist uses a harp. Chambermaid Concierge Room Service 55 Tip $5 per skull-fondling.

Melancholier Feral Turn-Down Service Tip $2-4 for tossing your ringing alarm clock out the window into the sea; add $4 for larger items or family members. Jet-en-Mer Tip $25 per bust of self. Sculptor Tip $5 for blessing the room and checking closets for the undead. 11 Porte-a-Merde Blesser Tip $1 for chasing starlings from room. Starling Boy Tip p ing g uide to the gre at hote l s: to Insure P romp t Se rv i c e Doorman TABLE 6: INFORMATION YOU WILL FIND USEFUL IN THE PRESENT hodgman hodgman FIGURE 7: INFORMATION YOU WILL FIND USEFUL IN THE PRESENT Prepare to Tip Extra for Demonic Summoning JOKES THAT HAVE NEVER PRODUCED LAUGHTER Comedians are notoriously superstitious, more so even than actors, who fear the word “Macbeth” so much that they will attempt to stab anyone who dares speak or print it.

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